February continued much like January, my days were spent studying all types of spiritual texts, doing my daily ACIM reading and meditation, and writing.
This month, my journaling was perhaps the most active as I began to peel back the layers of who I thought I was, the external false self, and allow the internal true Self, to emerge more and more.
I started learning more from Eckart Tolle, and I liked the juxtaposition of the “Judeo-Christian leaning” ACIM philosophy with the “Universe leaning” philosophy of Tolle. It’s like looking at the same picture but with captions in two different languages. I could see it was the same thing, and I loved decoding the languages to reveal the common truths.
I was learning the importance of becoming spiritually conscious from Tolle as well. I like this quote from him about the impact of unconscious thinking:
“If you are spiritually unconscious you are at the mercy of your thinking, meaning that thinking is happening to you. You are completely identified with every thought that arises and the emotions that arise with these thoughts. Our ego is the sense of self that comes from being completely identified with the thoughts that arise and the emotions that go along with them. This becomes the story of me – the narrative of me.” Eckhart Tolle
But of course, it is not our true Self, our Spirit. It is our false self or our Ego.
So, in February, I began to unpack all that I was learning through a series of journal entries, and I share them with you so that you can get a sense of the deep programming that existed and how I began to wrestle with my ego and all of the things I believed to be true about life.
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Journal Entry One
As I move through this journey of remembering who I am, I am still wrestling with the ego. This is a process and describing it as hard would be both inaccurate and inadequate to explain what I am experiencing. I want to share it so that you can have a glimpse into what it’s like to move from fear to a place of love.
Is there any guarantee that I will be able to shed the ego and come from a place of love 100% of the time? My ego does not think so, and it frequently reminds me of this. The eternal part of me knows it is possible and is holding the space for it. So, each day, I step into the willingness to allow love to extend from me as much as possible. I invite Spirit to guide my steps and walk with me. I have every good intention, and yet the ego is still very much present. There are parts of me that have not been illuminated by the light of forgiveness, and yet the gift is that I am becoming more and more aware of those parts of me so that I can bring light to them.
Aligning with love and being in a state of mind that is aligned with love, or who I really am, is the goal of each moment.
As I commit to focusing on this goal, moment by moment, I can easily be pulled out of this state of mind by reacting to external circumstances based on my past conditioning, or by remembering past grievances and bringing them into the present moment. The gift of the work I am doing is in identifying these grievances and working on seeing them in a new way.
Journal Entry Two
Spirit has been speaking to me all along throughout my life, and I seldom listen. There have been moments of listening and some of those moments I believe have guided me here. To this space of nothingness, being a blank slate, a clean canvas to paint on. Of course, I am not clean, meaning, I am not yet healed. I am still firmly in the grips of the ego, struggling and suffering through some of my days as I torture myself over how to make the next move. If I do this, will this happen? Oh no, that would be terrible. So, maybe I should do this instead. But if I do this, what if this will happen? Nope, then can’t do that. That would be even worse.
I think my ego is actively trying to block the messages from Spirit as a self-preservation method. I hear them and the ego immediately swoops in to challenge them so that I cannot return to the one truth. Returning to God, or spiritual healing or awakening means the death of the ego. And for the ego -the one who has been running this place for 45 years, this just simply will not do. So, I must endeavor to listen more and trust the voice of Spirit and act despite the fear-based thoughts that my ego floods into my awareness. Letting go of my fear-based thoughts – one day at a time.
Journal Entry Three
The endeavor is to heal the mind by letting go of a way of thinking that is predominately based in fear, and allowing a way of thinking that primarily focuses on love. To let go of my preoccupation with fear-based thoughts and instead surrender to the loving thoughts that are possible in each situation.
I am learning that I cannot heal alone, that it is not possible without Spirit. I am also learning that sharing what I am learning is essential as part of my learning, to strengthen the ideas within me. Sharing what I learn is also part of my duty to serve my fellow sisters and brothers as a means to amplify love in the world.
One particularly mind-blowing idea is the notion that there is only one of “us” here. And because there is only one of us, when one person holds a thought or idea of love in their mind, it is held for all of us and impacts all of us, whether we know it or not. And similarly, when one person holds a thought or idea of attack in their mind it is held for all of us and impacts all of us.
Our thoughts DO impact others. That is why the healing of the mind is so necessary. Humanity cannot hope to heal all our suffering until we heal our “one” mind. Escaping suffering is the reason why I set out on this journey to heal my mind in the first place. Tolle says, “suffering is necessary until it is no longer necessary,” and in that “suffering can be a means to force us into awakening.” I use the terms “awakening” and “healing” interchangeably here. So, I continue to do the work, to learn all I can, and to apply it each day. Every day this year, without exception, I will actively and wholeheartedly participate in the healing of my mind.
Journal Entry Four
I’ve been learning about the idea that perceiving situations, events, and other people through the lens of the ego, or our false self, is what produces our suffering. The ego is our fear, our attack thoughts, and is characterized by making us separate from others and God, or Source, or consciousness. I am learning that I am not my ego, but rather the one observing my ego, and that who I really am cannot be threatened or harmed.
I’ve just been realizing how much work it takes to keep up with all of the thoughts of the ego. The fearful thoughts that the ego has drummed up in my life are innumerable and have certainly led me to make decisions that were ultimately not in my best interest.
The egoic mind is constantly “thinking” about so many ultimately meaningless things, some things that are in fact insane. As all the great teachers have shared, our egoic minds filled with their incessant struggling and insanity form a collective egoic mind that is unconsciously perpetuating our collective suffering and insanity. Just look at all that we have done during the course of human history to harm one another, to attack one another, to see each other as unlovable.
I am learning that there is another way of looking at the world and that this simple recognition is the beginning of healing and ultimately awakening.
As I begin to heal, it would be great if there were a constant neon sign in front of me that simply said “where is the love here?” To be continually reminded that in every person and situation love is present.
In a sense, that neon sign is the daily practice I am undertaking, to continually remind myself to focus on the love in any situation and let go of the fear. This is like a training of the mind, something that most of us do not endeavor to do. Instead, we spend our lives being run 24/7 by the ego, on automatic pilot – or not conscious of what we are doing or the impact it is having on ourselves and others.
I want to BE more loving, even, and especially to those that I do not agree with. This is not easy by any means. Like a lot of us, I have been invested in being better than those I don’t agree with. I want to truly learn what it means to love thy neighbor. Spirit, can you help me learn what that means?
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Journaling, meditating, and studying was only one part of my life at that time. What about the rest of my day?
As I went about my daily life out in the world that month, I began to notice how I was changing. Instead of being annoyed in traffic, or by a long line in the grocery store, I found myself enjoying the moments. Singing in the car, talking to people in lines, and just talking to more people out in the world in general.
According to all my personality tests, I am introverted, and yet, I found myself being more and more energized when I was around people and connecting with them. Something that used to drain me in the past.
These small changes weren’t that noticeable from the outside, but on the inside, my life felt so much sweeter. I started to SEE people, instead of looking away. I started to engage with people, rather than looking at my phone. And I found a way to become patient…a lifelong struggle for me.
All these tiny little changes add up, and one day you look up, and you see a whole new world.