The day that I decided to focus on being over doing, something quite unexpected happened while I was writing. This unexpected occurrence was the thing that pushed me over the edge and helped me to make the decision to let the big idea go.
While I was writing, a dialogue came to me, or rather, came through me. I wasn’t writing it, it was more like it was writing itself - like I was a channel for it. The dialogue was mostly led by my ego - who was still firmly established as Queen on the throne of my mind. When the ego would pause for a brief moment, I could glean some insight from Spirit, or my true Self.
As you’ll see, my ego was working hard to make its case for staying committed to the big idea. By the way, not that it matters now, but the big idea was to create a model to lead people through personal change.
And we're off!
Jen: I’m not sure about this idea anymore.
Ego: Hmmm…well, how else can we use all this life experience and knowledge to help millions of people?
Spirit: (stillness)
Ego: I mean, think about it. Where are people struggling the most right now? There is so much upheaval in the world because of the pandemic. People are really struggling with all the changes they’ve experienced, and trying to figure out how to cope with their lives that have been turned upside down.
Spirit: (stillness)
Jen: How does that translate into how we can help?
Spirit: (stillness)
Ego: We can tell the stories of struggle and teach people how to manage the changes they are experiencing. We have experienced a ton of change in our life, so we know what we are talking about.
Spirit: (quietly, barely audible) What about the light?
Ego: What? Did you say something? So, anyways, let’s do that – let’s tell their stories somehow. But how? Ugg, change as a topic is so charged. I mean, people really hate change. Why would they want to spend more time thinking about change? Hmmm, well remember - change can be good too. What if we were to reframe it? Remember how you framed it when you shared your story about being a beginner again when we started our career over at 35? Everyone LOVED that story.
Spirit: (quietly) If you can heal your mind of fear-based thoughts your path will unfold.
Ego: What? We don’t need to heal; we are just fine – thank you. Geez – can you believe the nerve? I am having a moment here and it keeps interrupting. (To Spirit) Hey - by the way weirdo - I’ll have you know that these so-called “fear-based thoughts” are what have made us successful. We got here because we could see every bad possibility and plan for it so that we would never be caught off guard and we could always succeed – no matter what. (To Jen) Remember a little fear is good, it protects us.
Spirit: (stillness)
Ego: So, anyways, back to what I was saying about the change thing. We are going to blow this thing up! This is going to be huge! This is so big right now, and we cannot pass this idea up!
Spirit: (stillness)
Ego: I can see it now, millions of books sold, NY Times #1 Bestseller, speaking to large audiences, Oprah interview, more money than we could have imagined, and millions of people adoring us! This is going to be awesome!
Spirit: You are loved beyond measure because you are a child of God.
Ego: (actively ignores) We do still have to figure out how to deal with the fact that people really hate change. (Pause) Well, what if we could make change fun?
Jen: How are we going to do that?
Ego: I don’t know how exactly, but we can figure anything out together. We’ve done it a million times before and we will do it again. You know that’s how we’ve created all the successes in our life, right?
Spirit: It doesn’t have to be this hard.
Jen: Yes, but, I still don’t know about this. Something doesn’t feel…
Ego: What? Why? This is a brilliant idea. Remember how much all your colleagues loved the idea of being a beginner again! Remember how inspired they were by sharing our story!
Jen: Yes, but..
Ego: But what? I am telling you - this is our ticket. This is how we become wildly successful on our own. Without the corporate career titles and corporate backing. This is our message to share with the world! And we are going to help so many people!
Jen: I don’t know, I have to think about it.
Spirit: I am here, just ask me.
Ego: Wait – are you listening to that lame voice? Are you serious?
Jen: Uh, well…I…
Ego: You don’t seriously believe this crap, do you?
Jen: Well, there does seem to be a lot of truth in…
Ego: Unbelievable. After all we have done together. Do you think this Spirit is the one that got you your dream job? Found you the love of your life? Got you all of those promotions, awards, and admiration? No, that was me, err, uh – rather, it was us. You and me kid. We are unstoppable. When we set a goal, there is nothing going to stand in our way. Because we are smart, we have the vision, and we communicate and execute our plans flawlessly. This is just another goal, another plan we can create together, another mountain we will climb and summit together. This is our ticket. Come on, let’s go.
Jen: But I feel like we are doing this for the wrong reasons. It doesn’t feel aligned with the new way I want to live. Spirit, do I want this for the wrong reasons?
Spirit: What is the question?
Jen: Is this how I am supposed to serve?
Spirit: I do not know what you are supposed to do. What is the real question?
Jen: How can I be truly helpful?
Ego: I just told you! This! This is how we can be truly helpful! Do you think people are going to listen to you if you don’t give them a good reason? Why would they listen to you? Who are you? What have you ever done? What have you ever written? You are nobody. Nobody knows who you are.
Spirit: You are a child of God. Therefore, you can hear the message of healing and share it.
Jen: (to Spirit) In the deepest part of me, there is a knowing that this is true. But I don’t know how.
Ego: Ok, maybe I was a little harsh before, and maybe I got a little too attached to the whole change thing. But I still think it’s a good idea. We can talk about it later…let’s do something else for now.
Spirit: Be still and listen and I will show you where you can be truly helpful.
Jen: (to Spirit) Ok, I will try. I am going to really try.
Ego: Who are you kidding? You are going to just sit and listen and let some unknown voice determine what you are going to do next? You are going to give up control? You? The Queen of the 100-point plan. Did you forget that waiting for something to happen, and “the unknown,” are both things that make you crazy? And how do you know that what you hear will be the right thing? And what if you listen and do everything this voice says and it doesn’t make us wildly successful? Then you will be really sorry, and you will rue the day you didn’t listen to me.
Spirit: Nothing real can be threatened. Herein lies the peace of God. (quote from ACIM)
Ego: That is right! Finally, something I agree with. You are real, I am real, and what we have built together is real. Let’s do it again!
Jen: (sighs) For now, I think I will just write my experience with my studies and what I am learning. This is what I am experiencing now. This is my truth - for now, so, this is what I will share.
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It’s hard to describe how this dialogue came to me, it wasn’t audible, or automatic, it was more like if you could slow down the thoughts in your head and project them onto a movie theater screen as they were happening, so you could see them in full technicolor.
Imagine if all our thoughts came to us like that. Yikes and YIKES, right? I suppose the gift in the way this played out, was that there was no way to ignore the thoughts of my ego. There they were, plain as day.
The miracle of this moment was being able to hear the still, small Voice for God even at that moment, even when I was staring at the truth of my egoic thoughts, and feeling a little bit sickened and ashamed. The Voice of knowing was there, the Voice that is my true Self, my Spirit. I’d only been practicing for a bit over a week, and yet the Voice was there for me, guiding me, loving me, holding me, and not judging me.
We are not alone here. It takes such little effort on our part to open up and hear the truth, such little effort to open our hearts and let the love out. That is the miracle of who we are, one with our Source, always held, never alone.